I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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