Jerry, you need to find god
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
