i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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