just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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