You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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