i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
