Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
