I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
