Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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