If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
