I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
