Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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