So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
