Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So vagazzling was a success
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
