Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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