True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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