i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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