Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
