Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dear god my vagina.
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