I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
