So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Randomize
