i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
