i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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