the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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