This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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