Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
