People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
