Moan for me like Helen Keller
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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