just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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