I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize