My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
