U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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