ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
