remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
