Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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