In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
