ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
