The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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