Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
