Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
