Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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