I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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