I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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