I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
