Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
