I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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