Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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