I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
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Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
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I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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