Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
