So drunk, too bad you don't want this
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
