i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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