Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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