He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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