barbara walters just said penis...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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