apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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