im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
