I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
How's work?
Spinning.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
